Ever been misunderstood when communicating...? Here's why...

Have you had a meeting, virtually or face-to-face, and had the feeling people don’t ‘get it’?

Yes, of course, every day!

Did a message you sent be email send people down the wrong track?

Doesn’t that happen to everyone?

Have you been sent vague messages and got the wrong end of the stick?

That’s the story of my life!

These kind of questions and answers are typical when we experience any form of communication, at work, at home, in social settings…in fact, anywhere people decide to communicate with each other.

So, why is it so difficult to ensure we are clear and understood when sending messages? Why is it sometimes hard to appreciate the meaning that someone else is trying to make? And is there anything we can do about it?

Studies in brain research and communication processes have answered these questions for us, but it’s still difficult for us to ensure complete understanding and appreciation for what others mean. This is especially true when we are under stress or time constraints, or can’t see the person we are dealing with.

Back in the 1970’s Mathematician John Grinder and Linguist Richard Bandler described the processes we go through when interpreting what we are trying to say, or what others are trying to communicate to us. They suggested that our brain’s interpretation of communications may be different from the reality that’s meant.

We have a sort of filtering system that we use to try and make sense of things. And it’s these filters that can cause the misunderstanding or misinterpretation of words or actions.

There are many filters we employ, but the main three are known as:

Deletion, Distortion and Generalisation

1) Deletion:

When we use the deletion filter ourselves, we may miss out certain details, information or facts that we don’t deem necessary for the message. It may be we think the other person already knows it or it’s not important or we can’t be bothered.

So, when WE are communicating, the deletion filter may skew other people’s understanding because vital elements are missing.

When OTHER PEOPLE use the deletion filter, it may be they don’t listen effectively, or their brains don’t see the importance of that information.

Our brains have to absorb over 2 million bits of information every second, so it isn’t surprising that it stops information from coming in that it deems irrelevant.

2) Distortion:

Ever heard of confirmation bias?

This is when we experience something and then match it to things we already know or believe, so we can make sense of it and ascertain whether this info is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to us.

We all have a framework of pre-conceived knowledge, and we match what’s said against that. If it matches our belief system, then it’s OK. If it doesn’t, we sometimes distort the facts to match our ‘frame of reference’ or ‘view of reality’.

Everyone does this to some extent or another, and so it can affect the viewpoint we have on someone’s communication.

3) Generalisation

If we have experienced something previously, we may match this current event, situation or communication against it, and we may judge it based on our previous conditioning.

We tend to judge things generally and apply them to specifics. For example, if you have a great feeling about people from a certain area, then you tend to judge ALL people in that area as being great. And vice versa.

So, what can we do when communicating to overcome some of the issues and challenges brought up by these three filters? Here are some ideas:

* Try finding common ground with the person you’re communicating with and keep the rapport going during conversations

* Remember that the meaning of your communication is judged by the response you get, and not the meaning you meant. So, pay attention to the responses you get, and frame your communication accordingly

* Determine what the outcome is before you start the communication. That way, you can plan the journey and decide if the meanings you meant to portray were seen in the same light

* Remember the ABC of communication: Accuracy, brevity, and clarity. It has to be all three; if one or more is missing, there is a chance of being misunderstood

* Watch your body language, and ensure it matches the words and tone of voice

* Check others’ understanding of your meaning at regular times. But resist the temptation to say, ‘Do you Understand?’ They may simply answer, ‘Yes’ without really being clear.

* Use their feedback to determine if anything has been deleted, distorted, or generalised.

Identify if there seems to be a pattern developing with the person and identify if there could be a way YOU could change your communication to make understanding it easier.

Remember, everyone uses these filters to some extent or another, to make sense of their world.

The way to decide if your communication is as clear as possible is by asking these questions:

1) When I communicate, am I always aware of what my purpose is in communicating?

2) Am I aware of how the person wants to be communicated with?

3) Having written the email or stated my point in a meeting, did I notice any deletions, distortions or generalisations in my communication?

4) What understanding did the person say they gleaned from the message I sent?

5) Are there any patterns I’m seeing when my messages get misinterpreted? If so, what messages are those interpretations sending me?

By analysing our communications, and our understandings of how others communicate with us, we stand a much better chance of producing clearer, more precise and understandable messages.